The Cycle of How Life Should Be....

When it comes to children, anyone with a decent sense of parental concern would know where I’m coming from. After more than 6 months of being unemployed, I still do not regret the decision I made of resigning because it was not a decision made on a whim.  Those closest to me know it wasn’t a decision that was easy to make given the weight and freedom of being financially independent and being able to provide for the kids that job gave me. I loved that job, I loved my boss. I loved the people I worked closely with. But when one is no longer appreciated for anything done at all, there is no point staying where you are no longer wanted.

Emergencies happen. Shit happens. No one wants it to happen but it happens. But when your absences during such emergencies are used against you, it only goes to show the kind of people you work with, the kind of management you work for. No heart. No soul. There, I said it. And even if you reason out or try to explain yourself, what is the point? “REGARDLESS” of whatever reasons I may have had for those emergencies; it affected “company” expectations. Or so they say. “REGARDLESS” of whatever reasons I had, I was still absent. As if these people did not know what I was going through during those "emergencies". Hanging a carrot on the end of a stick for me was never a game I played well. Neither do I do that to other people professionally or personally. So I left. I don’t like playing games.

Looking back I thought I had purged those demons out of my system but just writing it down has already made my pulse race, my chest tighten and the nape of my neck numb.  

 

When I have an emergency at home, it is usually something no one else can take over for except me; being a pseudo-single mother. You do not pit a mother’s children against her job. You do not make her choose between her children and her job. You do not make empty promises to a regular employee being dodge-balled from being on probation to regularization to probation – it simply isn’t done, it is totally unheard of. It’s not as if I went out wake boarding while my 2 kids were down with dengue in separate rooms on opposite ends of a hospital floor or I went to Indonesia for a weekend making up an excuse that my daughter overdosed on sleeping pills. Unlike other employees, when I am absent from work, I am definitely down in bed sick and not off to Singapore or Bali or Indonesia making up some sick excuses over the weekend.

But that’s me, that’s them. I have more dignity than that to eat that kind of garbage every day. To each his own....

On hindsight, God had a reason to make things the way they were and how He opened my eyes to it all. I was needed home. Very needed at home. And God provides – in one way or another – through people who love me and care about me. He has also shown me who should be avoided from now on, who promised to help then left me hanging out to dry waiting for nothing. It was a cleansing season for Him, for me to purge out whatever demons I had, to purge my circle of trust as well and the grace to accept things I can no longer change as well as to trust in His plans.

I found love as well. Unconditional unconventional and unheralded love. It has its pains, it has its hardships, it has its own set of heartaches but it is here and it is now. God does provide from the least unconventional and unexpected places and people – and we’re not talking material stuff here. Someone who will nit-pick your brain to keep you going and never be stagnant, to never give up and keep going no matter what. I was given that and I am grateful. I can be very strong and courageous for my children simply because I have to be, I need to be. But when I am alone and I feel those walls caving in on me, a strong arm comes and gets me, picks me up and pushes me to move. Sounds harsh? Nope. Because it’s done with love. 

So God provides. Through other people He has made me feel I am not alone. And through other people my load has been lightened and provided me with just enough strength and belief to take another step forward, to look forward to another day to either inspire or be inspired, to help or be helped. The cycle of how life should be. There’s been an abundance of blessings and it is so hard to see those blessings when all you get are negative downpours. My love has been the umbrella keeping that downpour at bay enough to make me see the positives from the negatives. I wake up to my love; I go to sleep with my love.

As hard as the past months have been, I am grateful for the blessings. As you should too. No matter how hopeless it may seem, how bleak the future might look, there is always a silver lining somewhere. I thank the Lord for all of it.