I have days....

I have days like these past few days that I look back at my life and I wonder what decisions - right or wrong - I made that led me to this point in my life wherein the future itself looks so bleak.

I have days like these past few days that I analyze current events and I wonder if I should take the necessary steps to rock this boat or sink this ship.

I have days that I am faced with my own mortality and I wonder if I have lived a life enough to leave a legacy and for whom did I live it for.

I have days that I do not see the purpose I once held so dear to my heart and I feel wasted. That everything I wanted back then was never fulfilled not of my own doing but was it? 

I have days I am amazed at how far I have traveled on this road called life and I wonder where the road ends. Because I am tired and my soul is weary. I cannot find the strength to continue and if I did, I fail to see the reason why I need to continue.

I have days I want to walk out and never look back on all the pain and misery I have had to deal with my whole life. To look at the better days only leaves a sense of regret for they are few and far between.

I was told to pray. To whom? My prayers have been unheard and unheeded. And if they were, they were not what I prayed for. Someone said we are given what we need, not what we want. I do not see the need for the heartaches I have been given over the years, nor the conflicts or the sorrows. I have faced defeat as a person and I have failed at being who I was supposed to be. Suppositions mandated by social norms and not of my personal convictions. Because I was supposed to be as society dictated and I have struggled to achieve that.

But I have days that I no longer see the need to follow society's norms. A society that favors only those who can pay to silence others. 

I will be free one day in one of those days, I look forward to it because I claim it even if it is not something society demands of me, even if it is something society denies me. I will be free from these chains that bind me and I shall start living as I should have lived a long time ago before I put society's views ahead of my own life.