Strong Women

I have very strong women in my family [following the lead of my Seesters' posts on strong women] and I start with my Lola Conchita. She was widowed at a young age with 5 kids to boot right around the second world war. She was a homemaker and a seamstress at the same time making a living with her hands - crocheting curtains, bedsheets and just about anything you can come up with. Left with 5 kids she took them to Nueva Ejica when WW2 broke out at they watch Manila burn from their hideaway. She raised them without a husband but with very supportive family members and relatives from the Ilagan-Mendoza-Reyes-Castillo families in Pandacan.

My mother, the youngest of the five is also another strong woman I know, raising 3 kids in Manila while my father was abroad. In 76 they separated and came home from Africa with two daughters. Our eldest stayed behind to give her two sisters a better chance at a decent education and married a wonderful Pakistani engineer. My mother tried to finish her education as an accountant and landed various jobs while supporting me and my sister Leah. She helped set up Liz Claiborne Ptd. Asia in the early 80s. 

Another strong woman is my eldest sister Amina [Mary Anne] who at 18 faced the uncertain prospect of being in another country and another culture by herself. She chose to stay behind to give me and Leah a better chance of getting a decent education and she continued on with her married life with my brother in law. She has managed to raise 4 wonderful responsible children, maintain a house and still work with the ADB and then with the BBC as their administrator based in both Kabul and Peshawar.

The next strong woman is my other sister Leah.  A fighter, a silent fighter. Unlike me, she's rarely very vocal but her quiet strength is infectious. I almost lost her in 88 to a very rare form of Hepatitis. She lost her eldest child since she was pregnant while the virus ravaged her frail body and it was a miracle she survived a 10% chance of recovering. After being in a coma for 2 weeks, one of her cornea was damaged and left her with partial sight. That never stopped her. She finished her degree in Interior Design and went on to becoming an instructor/professor for the college she graduated from. With 2 kids and a husband in tow, they braved migrating to Canada and with the help of friends over there, managed to settle in and find their niche. Now, raising three wonderful children, she owns a daycare center and is also an instructor in a nearby college.

Another strong woman in my life is my second mother although for the life of me, I prefer to call her a friend. She is the second wife of my dad, Rhoda whom I have great respect for. She sacrificed a lot being with him, suffered the presence of our grandmother's quirks as well while she stayed with Rhoda and my dad. She made him a better person if not a better father and helped him form a Christian church rescuing lost souls and living the life Christians are supposed to. Humble, beautiful and caring, she stayed with my father until his last minutes on earth. I am grateful that in his waning years, she was beside him, always a smile and a silent strength about her that everyone who knew them saw. When I finally got to spend some time with her, I saw what I guess my father also saw in her and I appreciate the woman and who she is that as unorthodox as it may seem for others, she is part of our family. They gave us a brother Jayjay who grew up to be such a responsible wonderful young man as well and when I falter at the feet of our Lord, I know she prays not just for me, but for me and my sisters as well and our children. She came out of her cocoon eventually and now owns a spa in HK with her new husband and family who have also adopted us into the fold. Love is her strength, the strength I see in most of the strong women in my family.

Their biggest achievements are not what they were but what they did with minimal resources, facing the fear of the unknown and looking at the future with children in tow, making the most of what was on hand and still manage to raise their children to become responsible members of society. My Lola and mom are gone, leaving behind a legacy we continue from three different points of the globe and still manage to make life easier, laughable for each other and I would be lost without them. I get my strength from them. I was born into a family of strong women and their blood runs in my veins.

Happy Women's Month! Women Rule!!
https://www.facebook.com/lunar.quinox

I have days....

I have days like these past few days that I look back at my life and I wonder what decisions - right or wrong - I made that led me to this point in my life wherein the future itself looks so bleak.

I have days like these past few days that I analyze current events and I wonder if I should take the necessary steps to rock this boat or sink this ship.

I have days that I am faced with my own mortality and I wonder if I have lived a life enough to leave a legacy and for whom did I live it for.

I have days that I do not see the purpose I once held so dear to my heart and I feel wasted. That everything I wanted back then was never fulfilled not of my own doing but was it? 

I have days I am amazed at how far I have traveled on this road called life and I wonder where the road ends. Because I am tired and my soul is weary. I cannot find the strength to continue and if I did, I fail to see the reason why I need to continue.

I have days I want to walk out and never look back on all the pain and misery I have had to deal with my whole life. To look at the better days only leaves a sense of regret for they are few and far between.

I was told to pray. To whom? My prayers have been unheard and unheeded. And if they were, they were not what I prayed for. Someone said we are given what we need, not what we want. I do not see the need for the heartaches I have been given over the years, nor the conflicts or the sorrows. I have faced defeat as a person and I have failed at being who I was supposed to be. Suppositions mandated by social norms and not of my personal convictions. Because I was supposed to be as society dictated and I have struggled to achieve that.

But I have days that I no longer see the need to follow society's norms. A society that favors only those who can pay to silence others. 

I will be free one day in one of those days, I look forward to it because I claim it even if it is not something society demands of me, even if it is something society denies me. I will be free from these chains that bind me and I shall start living as I should have lived a long time ago before I put society's views ahead of my own life.

Traitor in the midst

Social networks are the only venue I have to rant and vent whatever heartaches I may have. Aside from doing needle work or crochet, or reading a book or using a hammer and fix what needs to be fixed inside this house - the social networks have been a valuable lifeline for me. I'm on the lookout for a job still, always keeping a positive outlook no matter how hard it is for me. I listen to other people's problems, I try to cheer them up or at least be a shoulder for them to lean on. I know how it feels to be alone in a roomful of people. I know how it is to be gagged. 

In my posts, it is unavoidable that the focus of my rant comes out. Because he is the reason I am suffering and suffering for my children and why my children are not getting the sort of life and childhood they truly deserve. They have been robbed of it, deprived of it and denied a childhood they can tell their children about. 

Some people, perhaps; think that it is all just "fun and games" for me to vent. It is not a shallow topic when lives of children are concerned. When their future is at stake. I have been pushed into a corner, beaten psychologically into submission, threatened with abandonment if I were to have my way, my rightful place and what is legally mine. I have been very quiet on the outside, and my only sounding board is the social network which I thought would be with TRUSTED people. People who KNEW what was right from wrong, not for me but for my kids or any child who had a father such as this one. 

Yes he provides. Yes he pays for all the bills. Its only natural that he does since I'm not working. But in saying that, he has no right to deprive us all and make us live in accordance to how he wants us to "have" based on what he is prepared to "share" with his own flesh and blood. And even when I was working, my measly salary went to what he could not provide or refused to provide these kids - a childhood. A weekend out of the house, malling, watching a movie in a decent theater and not some pirated DVD, eating decent food in a restaurant or a fast food and having fun with each other, visiting a museum, walking around parks.... I may not earn as much as he does but when I buy my children clothes or things to wear, I do not take them to an ukay-ukay store or make them settle for the cheapest pair of schools shoes or rubber shoes on the shelf. I get them the best that I can afford because they deserve it. He, on the other hand - does not. He makes them "settle" and demands subservience, usually, its the next thing to the cheapest if not the cheapest item in the store. In a nutshell, you do not shout at a 6 year old for asking P5.00 to buy fishball. THAT's the kind of person this TROLL is.

Enough of that. 

For the traitor who made screen grabs of my comments in threads, I pray you survive only up to this summer. Because I CURSE you. I CURSE the very ground you walk upon, I CURSE the very air you breathe. You are a traitor, no better than the troll you took sides with. I will let the universe "take care" of you and what you did to us, to me. For destroying my trust in people, for putting that idea of doubt into my head, I CURSE YOU and I pray the demons take you before the end of this summer.

Just a simple reminder

Freedom of Speech is dead. Goodbye EDSA 1

February 18, 2014, the day Freedom of Expression died.

What Happened to us?

What happened to us? 

Where is our sense of outrage? 

We cuss and we curse, send out the most vicious invectives at a supposed rape victim, defend an accused rapist just because they're celebrities but we can't find the sense of outrage for the number of children being raped everyday? They have no voice. They are not celebrities. They do not have a network of friends who can wear T-shirts of protest or support for them and yet we turn a blind eye to this.

A country that cannot even protect its weakest citizens is an inept nation, a nation of cowards, a nation of hypocrites, a nation of dense and numb people who cannot even find that moral outrage to set things straight and correct the wrongs that hound us day in and day out.

We have government agencies who molest and rape our natural environment and we do not say anything. We have government officials who steal from us face to face and yet they walk around scot-free. We have a total lack in public service and we take it knowing fully well these agencies will be unable to function without our taxes. When will we demand justice? When its too late to serve its purpose? We have a government office that is supposed to protect the human rights of VICTIMS yet it only speaks up when death threats are hurled at criminals or when criminals are dealt with the way they should be. They allow the human rights of victims and the families of victims to be victimized all over again due to their apathy towards victims but portray a truck load of empathy and sympathy for criminals.

And we keep quiet. We do not speak up. We've lost our sense of moral outrage. We only speak up when we choose to and we retreat to our comfortable corner under the sun unmindful of the fact that people are still living in tent cities, they need our help, they need to feel part of this country and not forgotten. We only speak up when we want to bash another person for their difference in opinion but fail to offer any proactive constructive ones. We speak up against brutality against celebrities but not towards the injustice and murder of innocent nameless ones. 

What happened to us? Where are "we"?

Traffic Management? Ridiculously lacking.

MAYOR EDWIN L. OLIVAREZ – PARANAQUE
MAYOR ANTONINO G. CALIXTO – PASAY
MMDA CHAIRMAN FRANCIS TOLENTINO
PNCC-SOMCO OIC RAMON M. BORROMEO

Dear Gentlemen;

I am addressing this letter to all of you in order for you to find a solution to the perennial problem besetting the residents who live along the West Service Road from Nichols to Bicutan. We, the residents are sick and tired of the perennial traffic left unattended and unresolved at all hours of the day, every day of the week. Students, employees and ordinary citizens suffer through MORE THAN AN HOUR of being stuck in traffic on a stretch of road that requires less than 30 minutes of drive time from one point to another. Even if people leave their homes two hours earlier and be useless twiddling their fingers while they’re stuck in traffic, they still get to schools and workplaces late, tired and totally irritated. We waste our time, our energy, our patience and our taxes on a stretch of road that’s not even more than a kilometer long.

This is addressed to all four of you because of the never ending finger pointing that goes on with regards to who is responsible for lessening the traffic problems in the said area. A portion of the West Service road belongs to Pasay and Paranaque. There are two exits that require the attention of the PNCC. The Bicutan/Better Living interchange needs immediate attention as well. Traffic is not moving. It takes students more than an hour and half to get out of the service road, sometimes even longer and it’s not even the morning rush hour anymore. It takes a commuter and hour and a half to take a jeep from Merville to SM Bicutan and it isn’t even lunch time. We do not think “that” is proper traffic management if it is even being managed at all.

On top of undisciplined jeeps that stop anywhere all the time, there are trucks on the service road during a supposed truck-ban time frame. There are diggings along the stretch of the service road that can be done at night instead of adding to the traffic during daytime. Better Living residents are not the only people who need to cross the intersection as well. Traffic rotation on the interchange should be equal and no special treatment be given to a specific location.

Until such time traffic improves on the West Service road, traffic on this stretch will always be blamed on the ineptness and ineffectiveness of your respective offices because no one wants to take responsibility and no one wants to resolve this problem. Residents of both Pasay City and Paranaque are directly negatively affected and basically, these are tax payers who expect better service from their respective local governments and government agencies involved with operations along the West Service Road and SLEX. It is time that your respective offices find a common ground for cooperation and mutual action to resolve this problem at the soonest possible time because the residents are already fed up with this traffic and no solution in sight.

Thank you very much for your prompt attention regarding this problem.

The Cycle of How Life Should Be....

When it comes to children, anyone with a decent sense of parental concern would know where I’m coming from. After more than 6 months of being unemployed, I still do not regret the decision I made of resigning because it was not a decision made on a whim.  Those closest to me know it wasn’t a decision that was easy to make given the weight and freedom of being financially independent and being able to provide for the kids that job gave me. I loved that job, I loved my boss. I loved the people I worked closely with. But when one is no longer appreciated for anything done at all, there is no point staying where you are no longer wanted.

Emergencies happen. Shit happens. No one wants it to happen but it happens. But when your absences during such emergencies are used against you, it only goes to show the kind of people you work with, the kind of management you work for. No heart. No soul. There, I said it. And even if you reason out or try to explain yourself, what is the point? “REGARDLESS” of whatever reasons I may have had for those emergencies; it affected “company” expectations. Or so they say. “REGARDLESS” of whatever reasons I had, I was still absent. As if these people did not know what I was going through during those "emergencies". Hanging a carrot on the end of a stick for me was never a game I played well. Neither do I do that to other people professionally or personally. So I left. I don’t like playing games.

Looking back I thought I had purged those demons out of my system but just writing it down has already made my pulse race, my chest tighten and the nape of my neck numb.  

 

When I have an emergency at home, it is usually something no one else can take over for except me; being a pseudo-single mother. You do not pit a mother’s children against her job. You do not make her choose between her children and her job. You do not make empty promises to a regular employee being dodge-balled from being on probation to regularization to probation – it simply isn’t done, it is totally unheard of. It’s not as if I went out wake boarding while my 2 kids were down with dengue in separate rooms on opposite ends of a hospital floor or I went to Indonesia for a weekend making up an excuse that my daughter overdosed on sleeping pills. Unlike other employees, when I am absent from work, I am definitely down in bed sick and not off to Singapore or Bali or Indonesia making up some sick excuses over the weekend.

But that’s me, that’s them. I have more dignity than that to eat that kind of garbage every day. To each his own....

On hindsight, God had a reason to make things the way they were and how He opened my eyes to it all. I was needed home. Very needed at home. And God provides – in one way or another – through people who love me and care about me. He has also shown me who should be avoided from now on, who promised to help then left me hanging out to dry waiting for nothing. It was a cleansing season for Him, for me to purge out whatever demons I had, to purge my circle of trust as well and the grace to accept things I can no longer change as well as to trust in His plans.

I found love as well. Unconditional unconventional and unheralded love. It has its pains, it has its hardships, it has its own set of heartaches but it is here and it is now. God does provide from the least unconventional and unexpected places and people – and we’re not talking material stuff here. Someone who will nit-pick your brain to keep you going and never be stagnant, to never give up and keep going no matter what. I was given that and I am grateful. I can be very strong and courageous for my children simply because I have to be, I need to be. But when I am alone and I feel those walls caving in on me, a strong arm comes and gets me, picks me up and pushes me to move. Sounds harsh? Nope. Because it’s done with love. 

So God provides. Through other people He has made me feel I am not alone. And through other people my load has been lightened and provided me with just enough strength and belief to take another step forward, to look forward to another day to either inspire or be inspired, to help or be helped. The cycle of how life should be. There’s been an abundance of blessings and it is so hard to see those blessings when all you get are negative downpours. My love has been the umbrella keeping that downpour at bay enough to make me see the positives from the negatives. I wake up to my love; I go to sleep with my love.

As hard as the past months have been, I am grateful for the blessings. As you should too. No matter how hopeless it may seem, how bleak the future might look, there is always a silver lining somewhere. I thank the Lord for all of it.

For Keeps

It took a while for the plans to pan out but eventually "the" day came and it was a reunion of sorts. A birthday celebrant comes down from the mountains to be with the land dwellers, a hermit comes out of a long seclusion, mother nature leaves her brood, a fighter leaves her gloves behind, a daughter taking a well deserved break.. while the rest have their own kingdoms to take care of. In one fateful weekend, we all come together. 

It wasn't long before old links were renewed and stories from the olden days were told and retold, relived and remembered. The travel alone was long by minute standards yet no one even noticed that hours have passed. Majority have never been to these parts of the woods, our tour leader breezing past the zigzags, twists and turns of the roads paved with greenery on both sides. Even at night time, there was that feeling of adventure that clung thickly on everyone. The two vehicles sped into the night trying to get to a destination by dusk. 

At dusk, the breaking lights of the sun started showing from the east. Breakfast, a good stretch, several puffs of smokes and we're off again. Most everyone enjoyed the scenery, the conversation, the jokes. Communication between two vehicles wasn't even cut, both keeping an eagle eye on each other at every curve, at every turn.

By the time we reached out destination, several hours have passed. We left in the darkest of night, arrived with the sun high in the horizon. Lunch. 

After which another couple of hours once more until we finally parked the cars in the paternal home of our host. Fresh air, fresh breeze. No pollution, except for the incessant Gangnam music playing from across the street in a nearby public school. All was well and the adventure wasn't even beginning.

Settling down, coffee, smokes, a tour of the grounds, a deep appreciation for the history that came with this family. A family valued by their neighbors, old school patronage and respect. The grounds were wide, trees everywhere. A tennis court that's open to the public on private grounds, a volleyball field on the opposite side. Two bamboo huts to converge at. And converge we did. The ambient weather was fresh, cool and a welcomed change from the pollution of the Metro. It made everyone bubbly, happy, talkative and eventually relaxed.

After dinner, the long hours traveling did nothing to put the energy of the group down. Drinks and good conversation. Eventually, the sand man came to visit and everyone retired to their assigned rooms. Waking up bright and early to proceed to a second destination. All information was kept at a minimum. After the morning coffee, we loaded up bedding and loaded up all the baggage once more and we were off.

Breakfast was at the city, our second host met us there. A down to earth man in white tees and loose denims and slippers. No one would even think that he owned the restaurant we were at, no one would even suspect. After the meal, we went on ahead, went to a sports complex, stayed for a bit and after a call, we went off again, this time, to the main reason we were all out in this new place far down south of the country.The road was a rough road. Literally. There were turns and curbs you'd pray to God above for because there was no boundary, no barrier, just foliage and clear blue sky up above. We were rattled, literally shaken, stirred and the vehicle moved to the rough bumps and sudden drops of the terrain. After several minutes of non stop shaking driving up and down a mountain side without barriers, we chanced up the first glimpse of the sea.. another turn, a fishing village.. another turn.. the house.

The house was nestled smack center of a well manicured lawn with fruit bearing trees around. It faced the beach. It was isolated. We were alone. Together and alone. It was the most pleasant of places one could ever find on the face of this earth, of this country. The host and hostess – impeccably gracious, the sort of people you rarely come across in one lifetime. They welcomed us like we were not strangers even if it was the first time we shook hands.

We stayed in that lovely piece of paradise for what felt like an eternity. I could finally hear myself think. But there would be no writing for me there. I was with friends and I listened to them, their thoughts, their words, their problems. Took everything in and I was myself. My thoughts were elsewhere during my minutes of solitude. Sometimes they would linger there and I would become deaf to the conversation.

 Looking out into the horizon, endless water.  A small patch of earth dotting the horizon, another islet, another beach. The moon was another thing. It was huge. It was orange and it lit up the two evenings spent outside, beside the sea just chatting the hours away. Distant music was playing from the house, everyone huddled in their own small groups. Everyone had fun, it was a test of endurance and tolerance for some. It was a test of friendship for most. Woke up beside friends, slept beside them. Some of us lingered in bed, talking while the others slept, most chattering at the ground floor beneath us. It was as if time never came between us. No one felt the years even if our stories were telling of them.

Looking back on those days I can very well say I made each day count and did not stop to count them. I was sad when we woke up on our final morning, staying in bed whispering and talking to a good friend about life, where we’d be in the next few years and how wonderful it was to be together as a group for a well deserved break. Most of the previous “reunions” were for wakes of someone’s parent or grandparent. This was a first in years that was spent with endless laughter, thoughts and opinions.

These are days you go back on when you grow old and have nothing but memories to keep you company. It gives you a warm fuzzy feeling being around people who are so much the same in different ways. I shall add this to my positive memory bank and will probably be looking into them every time I feel the negativity of the world outside suffocate me.  No matter what the fall out maybe, we all had our own take on the break that was. It made some ties stronger, some ties a little cracked, some ties very much renewed but the bottom line, these people are keepers. The ones who will hound you until you smile. The ones who will lift you up even without them knowing that they’re doing it. The ones who will be by your side no matter how obnoxious you may be. We mirror each other and we come full circle with one another. These are real friends, the ones I intend to keep for whatever days I have left. ........Unconditionally.

Growing older.. and wiser perhaps....

You'll have to forgive the theme of this note. It touches everyone's raw nerve and that's of growing old. I'm finding it hard to compose my thoughts because I find the topic sensitive and sad at the same time.

Unlike most women my age, I'm proudly 47 years young; I am also officially menopausal since I was 38. And to those who don't know what that means, what it entails - it means the reproductive system has closed shop never to operate once more. With it comes a few major losses like the loss of skin elasticity and suppleness, estrogen levels drop like hot potatoes, mood swings are one the up-rise and libido walks out and might never visit ever again.

When I was informed 9 years ago the doctors totally took out everything - from the ovary to the uterus to save my life - I considered it a blessing, freedom in fact from the monthly crap all women have to go through and the only consolation I had was a baby boy, the last and only one I would ever have again.The OB told me to prepare myself emotionally, physically and psychologically for what's coming once the menopause was in full swing. I thought to myself - I've weathered more storms in my life, I could handle this one.

Imagine my chagrin and shock waking up a few mornings back wondering if I was prepared to lose that urge for intimacy and sensuality as a woman and if I would ever be "attractive" to a man ever again. Worse part of it, I was wondering where my sense and need for intimacy went to. Libido is such a "cheap" way of describing the need for physical contact but I'm only human, we are all only human and when we're 20, 25, 30 or 35 - we really don't pay any attention to it. The need is always there, the satisfaction is always there, and we tend to take for granted the basic instinct for wanting such - to feel human and feel needed, to make contact with another human being on that level. Some have cheapen it to a "one night stand" or something you can pay for - but I'm pertaining to something mutually shared by two consenting adults who know what they're doing, why they are doing it and they have a shared need for it. Anyone who denies it is a hypocrite.

We all have a need to be with people and we often seek out unconsciously our own hidden needs from other people. That's human nature. And I don't see it as cheap or shallow because once it is failed to be met and fulfilled - everything is lousy, everyone is faceless and useless, the entire world become 2 dimensional and narrow and gloomy. Look but you can't touch. And all we see are facades.

Now I am faced with the dread of growing "old" without feeling that need and to be scared of being rejected and humiliated for what I've become, how I've evolved. I've heard it said to my face that I am twice the woman I am now and it's usually a pun on my weight and my waist line. I think people who can nonchalantly say that to another person is totally insensitive and vain, boastful and totally insecure at the same time. Because it has caused such insecurities and pain in me as well. I have scars I cannot hide and it has dealt the biggest physical blow to my sensual ego. If I find it disgusting looking at the scars that led to my son being born, what more other people? Only I know the "value" of those scars and to be degraded and insulted because of it has kept my sensuality on hold if not forever lost to the elements of time. And I have not much time left before my body finally surrenders to the results of losing that system.

So what do I do about it? I don't know. For the first time in my life I don't know how to move on and accept certain inequities on my part. For the first time in my life I am scared because I can feel my body growing old by the minute and its not something I can stop no matter what I do or don't do. Losing a physical part of me does not make me incomplete as a human being. But it lessens my essence as a woman especially in the area of sensuality and the need for human physical contact. I'm sure someone will say - heck girl, what's your problem? You're married, aren't you? I'lll just laugh and shrug it off. The element of respect has long been lost in that department and I have certain quirks when it comes to being intimate. I need to be with someone who respects me and respects me back on the same level. No more, no less. And the essence of attraction and emotional attraction is also a big must for me. If I'm not attracted, nothing is ever going to happen even if you took 10 horses to drag me or pointed a gun to my head.

I respect a lot of people who respect me back but I am only rarely attracted to a few and more often that not, due to my own personal insecurities, I just shut up and keep quiet, take a cold shower when I get home. And more often than not, I find myself in tears in the shower and its pathetic I know. But I will have to live with it, deal with it on a day to day basis, keep myself engrossed with work to avoid thinking about it or even feeling that hole in my soul and just forever delude myself that the need is just a lie. A stupid feminine illusion of mine.

So why do I write now? I'm hoping that when the time comes and the same thing happens to you, it won't feel that you're all alone as I do now. Because this was forced upon me by circumstance and not something that happened naturally with age. I hope it would find its way to someone who has the same issues as I do and learn from it, find some kind of emotional support from it. The emptiness doesn't hit everyday. It hits when you least expect it, it hits when you have a need for it, it hits when you're praying it won't hit at all.

I also write for the men who'll take time to read it that they may understand why women are the way they are especially when this happens to the women in their lives. We're not getting any younger. We're all getting older by the minute. And we can delay it, we can do a lot of things to delay its arrival but the bottom line is - it will happen as it happened to me. In the process of the entire thing, I lost my gut as well, the nerve to take a chance and do something exciting with my pathetic life. I wouldn't call it resignation to a boring unsensual life, its more like forced seclusion from being rejected and laughed at, ridiculed and made fun of. I don't know anyone who isn't intimidated by rejection. To me, seeing myself no longer attractive by my standards is in fact rejection in itself and its hard to deal with it alone.

I pray that women stay strong and brave when they wake up one day faced with the gnawing fact that time is catching up on them. May we all age with graciousness and acceptance, to always be happy and not let anything sink us or sink skin deep. Nothing on Earth is permanent. Neither are we. But we can always leave behind the small minute lessons we've learned reaching the age that we have and move on from there to a much better life.

We celebrate Women's Month by celebrating the Strength of Women and just how far we've come.

I Don't Care....

I don’t care...

I don’t care who you are as long as you’re an educated person with a great sense of humour and pick up.

I don’t care who your friends are as long as you don’t shoot them down and you don’t shoot down mine.

I don’t care what office you belong to, we are all hard working people in this country.

I don’t care where you live; we all shit the same way anyway.

I don’t care what school you went to, we were all born naked at one point in time.

I don’t care what your annual income is; we all get screwed by the same government anyway.

I don’t care what kind of food you eat; it all goes out the same way.

I don’t care what kind of music you listen to; we all have our own internal rhythm.

I don’t care what kind of car you drive; we all get stuck in traffic anyway.

I don't care if you walk, run, jog, hop or skip, we all go to bed horizontally when we sleep.

I don’t care how many countries you’ve been to, have you been to Neptune? No one has.

I don’t care what brand of cellular phone is in your pocket, it all dies when it’s not charged.

I don’t care what your political leanings are as long as you present them in a very intelligent manner.

I don’t care who your candidate is for 2013 as long as you don’t demean and insult the candidates of other people and focus instead on telling me why I should vote for yours.

I don’t care what you have to say if all you can say is a negative note against the world we live in.

BUT WHAT I DO CARE ABOUT IS OUR COUNTRY AND OUR PEOPLE.


I care about all of us UNITED as a people working to help OUR COUNTRY survive.


I care about all of us CONCERNED about our environment and in making the world a BETTER PLACE for our children and our grand children.


I care about CLEAN AND HONEST GOVERNANCE AND TRANSPARENCY in how the government conducts its business.


I care about those who are in dire need of ASSISTANCE no matter how small our assistance maybe – a hug, a positive thought, a prayer, a simple statement saying “EVERYTHING’S GOING TO BE ALRIGHT.”


I care about HONESTY and INTEGRITY in the candidates running for 2013. If they don’t have it, they’re not worth my vote.


Now if you don’t care about that, then THAT’S your problem...... not mine.

[posted in November 2009]

Motherhood's Redemption

It’s hard to summarize in a short note how a mother feels. There are not enough words to put into writing just how extensive we as mothers – feel about our children even when they’re all grown up and have children of their own. Most of us wake up one day to find ourselves either neglected by our spouses or left alone to our own devices. And I share with you my own thoughts on “motherhood” not because of the pain I have in my heart as a spouse but for the joy I feel in my soul for my children that I can take all the tests fate decides to throw at me. 

It's been said so many times that mothers would die for our children. A mother's relationship with her offspring goes beyond flesh and blood. This is where all mothers stand-out. I’m not saying fathers do not belong in this category for there have been thousands of fathers literally dying for their children as well. 

But then there are those who leave. Leaving all parental responsibilities to their wives is sometimes inconceivable and completely irresponsible. And when emergencies occur, we get blamed for 'not doing our jobs’ and we are expected to be at the forefront of every single moment of our child’s waking hour. There is no such thing as a ‘first-time’ mother. Our children are all unique and vary from one sibling to another and the only thing they have in common is us, us moms. 

We, as mothers; have sacrificed our personal and professional growth, leaving our careers to become mothers and wives. We nurture, care and teach our children to be fair, just and compassionate to others to the best of our human abilities. We often just turn a blind eye to our husband's lack of moral, social and simple common sense, and we strive to make the home a happy place to come home to no matter how tired we are or how our moods might dictate otherwise. I can go on and on about how we as mothers play the various roles we are dealt with and in wearing the various hats we are given. And there will be days that we feel so unappreciated, neglected, forgotten and ignored by the very same people we chose to dedicate our lives to. To be told that children will always be children and men will be men no matter how good, decent, or moral they seem to be isn’t always a ‘good enough reason’ for us. It isn’t an excuse. 

I appreciate women in this category; women who can muster any storm because I’ve been there, some of us have been there and some of us might find themselves in the same situation in the future, hopefully never. We will never receive medals or public recognition, but family recognition is what we crave for. To hear the words “thank you Mom” or “I love you Mom” is somehow an exercise in futility in some families but it does not mean we are not appreciated nor loved. But yes, we do want to hear it, let alone feel it. Simply because we deserve it, we need to hear it; we need to be recognized for it because that will sustain us. It is the food for our souls and the fuel that keeps us going. 

We are darn good mothers. No contest, hands down. We will not take the heat even from our children because we love them too much. And in loving them - If they need to learn from us and from their own mistakes, then so be it. We guide them with a firm hand because in doing so that is what love is all about. “Spare the rod, spoil the child.” There is nothing wrong with scolding a child when he does wrong. It is in how we tell them they are wrong that they realize the basics of being humane and being responsible citizens. 

If our husbands have failed us, then it is their loss not ours, although we do take the brunt of it because that's how life is if we happen to become single parents even when we’re married. Yet we stand up strong and more confident of ourselves. It is in taking the negative and turning them into positives that we as mothers become strong. It is in being a happy person that our children derive the best lesson of survival from us. But yes, we are just humans and we have our moments that we as human beings need to feel and hear the simple yet very important thing that would keep us going like that rabbit with the drums attached to a battery. 

 Appreciation and to be thanked for all the late nights, the back aches, the endless worrying, the attention, the tears we’ve cried in the confines of the bathroom not wanting to be seen by our children and spouse. We do it all because of our children. Indeed, being a mother – whether we are full time mothers or career mothers – it is the hardest job of all. It is a twenty six-hour day and a nine-day week for us and we get no vacation leaves, no sick leaves, an annual bonus would be a huge plus of course. But kidding aside, it IS the hardest job in the world. 

We multitask, doing eight things all at the same time even when we’re in the office or even a PTA meeting. The moment our eyes open in the morning, our first concern flies to the family’s breakfast, the uniforms or office clothes, leave instructions with the nanny or helper, attend to a thousand and one things under a certain time limit because when its time for the school buses to arrive, our minds go into hyper drive and its time for the evening routine to begin. Tutoring, mentoring, talking to the kids, listening to the kids, preparing snacks or dinner, cooking and getting “mommy I need help” breaks in between it all. What more if we did not have household helpers? 

And it is harder for those who work in an office because we still do the same things when we get home. The travel to and from work is the only time we spend alone but even that time is filled with thoughts of what the kids might need that you can get along the way, if you’re going to pass by the grocery to get snacks or a ‘prize’ for them, is it going to be ice cream and cake or shall it be something else this time? Our roles as mothers never end even when they grow up and get married one day, our roles extend all the way to the day when they themselves become parents also. 

In the eulogy of our lives someday, our children will miss us but at least they have learned something from their mothers and continue our legacy with their own offspring’s. That's going to be our legacy to our children. We might not be remembered as wives but we will always be remembered as mothers and that goes beyond flesh and blood.   

[Printed in the May 2010 Edition of Enrich Magazine]