The basic problems today cover a stem of interconnected items that affect not only married couples as a whole but the individual party as well. Why should one get married in the first place? The Church requires a couple to undergo a series of seminars that perhaps “give” a couple-to-be a fake look into the reality of married life. There are a lot of items these seminars do not discuss with the soon-to-be couples often times misleading them into thinking and believing that all their problems are going to be solved AFTER the marriage. But that’s just it. Couples who do not know the reality of being married will never run out of problems. And there are actually MORE problems when one is married.
But first, a look into why people consider getting married. Love, early pregnancy, financial security, separation from parental ties, age, convenience, mergers, social acceptance, political or business upgrading or just for the heck of it. There are many reasons why people get married and what ever those reasons are, they all disappear the minute reality steps in or after the wedding, which ever comes first.
There are three levels of marriage – the poor, middle class and ultra rich. The ultra rich isn’t spared from their share of marital tumult and more often than not – the legality is more pronounced since there’s more property to divide, more bank accounts to divide, more assets to liquidate, so on and so forth. Lawyers do most of the talking for them. The middle classes hardly encounter such legalities with property and money but there is still the conjugal division, child custody, child support and a lot of disillusionment involved. Here, couples are often face to face with each other and the drama ensues. The poor just get up and leave, go to another nest often leaving behind a string of kids.
But the causes of marital problems affect all the levels involved. Extra-marital affairs, financial distress, incompatibility, irreconcilable differences, lack of communication, in-laws intruding into the marriage, lack of mutual respect, physical abuse, emotional abuse, frustrations, disappointments, financial deprivation, lack of love and lust, a total disregard for each other or simply falling out of love and being miserable in the marriage.
Why should one not get married? That is the question every planning couple should ask themselves before they take the plunge and end up with the Titanic! When you get married, you lose your single blessedness. The single life wherein you can do what ever you want when ever you want and with whom ever you want to be with. You can spend your hard earned money on whoever you want to spend it on, splurge on yourself or someone special and have the freedom to decide for yourself without a second thought for anything else. The night-outs, the parties, the friends, the traveling, the freedom of a career taking you everywhere except down of course. If you’re a female and getting hitched (married) – if you’re not pregnant why get married? Age? Biological clock? If it isn’t a matter of career or biological concerns, why get married?
Pregnancy kills the figure of a woman. It is so hard for a woman to recover her figure after giving birth. It places the body system in such disarray that your breasts start to sag especially if your breast feed, the stretch marks stay forever. If you get operated on while giving birth, you can kiss your bikini goodbye, bikini stitch or not. The scar stays forever and leaves an ugly mark. The skin becomes less pliant so no matter how many stomach crunches you do and go to the gym, the belly is forever sagging. Your hips become so large because if it’s a normal delivery, your bones never go back to their normal position. If one delivers normally, it takes about 3 to 4 days for you to recover. If you get a cesarean section, you’ll be bedridden for nearly a month depending on how fast your body can recover. And then every time the season changes from hot to cold or vice versa, your stomach hurts as if you just had the operation yesterday even if it’s been a year. What most mothers won’t tell their pregnant daughters is the fact that delivering a baby can be fatal if complications arise during the delivery.
If you’re female and getting married, you should realize that 90% of a marriage’s success rests on your shoulders – literally rests on all your limbs. If you’re one of the few lucky ones who get a maid a day after your wedding, that’s good. But many starting couples do not have use for a maid unless you are temporarily handicapped or totally unaware of house work. If you happen to suffer the fate of living with your in laws, the problem becomes triple because now you have to deal with your husband and his entire family as well. Everything you do will be placed under a microscope and no one is beautiful under a microscope. If you will live on your own with your husband, who will cook? Who will clean up the house? Who will do the laundry? Who will iron the clothes? Who will do the dishes, scrub the toilet, clean the bathroom, take out the garbage and do the grocery? If you have a career to take care of, do you think you can still do all these house chores and attend to your career at the same time? Men will never do house chores unless they live by themselves or their mothers trained them well. Men will never lift a finger to wring clothes for hanging even if they tell you they will. Men will never get caught dead doing the laundry or scrubbing the toilet. Even if the great chefs are men, majority of men will never be found in the kitchen doing 3 meals a day. It is good if you have a maid you can supervise, but still YOU supervise because men can never be depended on to supervise house work. So the success of a marriage literally does fall on a woman’s shoulder and that’s because you got hitched. That the real meaning of it – you get hitched like a saddle is placed on the back of a horse. You will do everything, you will supervise everything. Newly married couples cannot afford a maid and a nursemaid at the same time. If you have a career – you either quit your job or work double time to afford yourself a maid. If you quit your job, you will end up doing everything since men and in-laws are fond of saying “you don’t do anything in the house since you’re not working”. To men, staying home is “not working” even if you work your fingers to the bone doing multi-tasks like doing the laundry and cooking a meal at the same time while breast feeding a new born baby. Even if you work straight from 6:00am to 11:00pm, to them, the fact that you no longer “earn” money is “not working” as far as they are concerned.
So reality kicks in the minute you find yourself on all fours scrubbing the grit and grim off the toilet walls, floors and toilet bowl and sink. And you start to realize: Heck, we’re not even blood relatives so why am I doing the entire dirty job when I could be all dressed up and working in an office, earning my own money and still look pretty? Love? Love will not give your back a back rub. Love will not ease the pain of your legs from standing up the entire day. And love will not hang the laundry nor iron the clothes, you will. Love will not erase the varicose veins you’ll develop from standing up too often. Let us say you manage to last for a year doing the same routine 7 days a week, 24 hours a day. At the end of one year, tell me if it’s still “love”. I haven’t even touched on taking care of a newborn baby at this point. This is just juggling housework and career. Women eventually quit their jobs because men will lie and tell their wives they can very well “provide” for her and that she should just stay home. Truthfully enough, men will provide well – they’ll provide their laundry, they’ll provide reasons not to help with house chores, they’ll provide a hundred and one reasons why you can’t go out and watch a movie, go out and dates, go window shopping, they’ll provide you with kids to take care of, their family for you to attend to but the basic necessities to keep a marriage going – they will not provide for the intangibles. It is still up to the wife to balance everything because the minute a husband says – you never have time for me – tell him to take a flying leap because you’re the one fixing up his house, taking care of his stuff and attending as well to his family since you guys don’t have kids yet. In laws will not vanish the minute you have kids. They’ll just be around more often than you’d like them to be.
It’s okay when you can afford to hire house help. You don’t do any house chores. Good for you. So what’s the problem? Too immersed in both your careers? You never go out? You hardly date after the wedding? You want to have kids and he doesn’t? You don’t want to have kids and he wants to? The romance isn’t there anymore?
Let’s start with the basic girl-next-door scenario. You’re a good girl and your parents never had problems with you. Then you meet the man of your dreams and sweep you off your feet. You fall in love, make plans and even talk about getting married one day. But on the other hand, what are you? You’re a single female, young with a blooming career with room for upgrading in your company. Then comes in what he wants. If he wants you to continue your career, good for you. But what if he prefers that you stay home and that he promises to “provide for you”? Of course since you’re caught up in the mushiness of being in love and the beautiful sound of his promises to take care of your every want in the world you’ll probably agree to let go of your career. Most women who can’t afford to lose a man would rather lose their career than to lose a man. And that’s pathetic. It isn’t the RIGHT way to go even if your parents commit suicide trying to convince you it is.
A man can never replace a career. Same as a career can never replace a woman. I have yet to see a man who will let go of his career because a woman asked him to. But many women would give up their careers for their men. Isn’t that odd? Such unfair standards yet society calls it normal that a woman should stay home and take care of hearth and home, kids and husband to boot and an occasional relative or in law on the side.
It’s the new millennium; it’s the 21st century already. But does society tolerate a working wife? In the metropolis, it is an accepted norm due to the high cost of living in the city. And men have no other option but allow their wives to work because they simply cannot provide enough. During these times when the economy is hard maybe a great deal of husbands prefer that their wives work but is it sincere? In general, how do men feel about it when their wives begin earning more than they do? Unrealistic to say that it’s alright with them because it isn’t. Many couples separate due to financial conditions and it isn’t because of a lack of it, but because she is earning more than he is and he can’t take it. It’s a bad blow to his ego especially if he prides himself as the “provider” of the family. I know of a couple who after 4 kids and 15 years of marriage, the wife renewed her career and made it big in the sales industry. He ended up physically mauling her and she left him in jail all because she earned more than he did. But we’ll go into financial issues later.
But back to our main topic – why should one not get married? Aside from the after effects of the honeymoon, there are realities no parent or pastor would ever discuss with you until it’s too late and you’re deep in the quagmire of things. Today, couples are required strictly to attend seminars on “marriage and family planning” but never will they discuss the rights of both husband and wives, their roles to their spouses, their roles to their future children and what is expected of them as partners. Since these seminars are sponsored by the church, they’ll forever quote and re quote Bible passages regarding wives supposed to be submissive to their husbands and that’s that. The most common issues that adversely affects any marriage won’t be discussed either. But we will. First are the in-laws.
(To be continued....)
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